Pictures of you

For those who know me well, you are aware that I don't have a mother. I never did. And you are also aware that it's ok. Well, guess what, it's not! It never was and it never will be. I've always been petrified that people would feel sorry for me so I pretended all the time it was fine. And I almost believed it. Well... at least I tried. And I tried so hard!

During the day was easy, you just do what you gotta do leaving no room for drama. But at night, lying down on my pillow, all that emptiness was stabbing my soul like a knife. I believe that during my sleep in my dreams the idea of you was putting together the pieces so I could wake up in the morning and pretend again everything was just fine. I don't know if there was a single day that the idea of you didn't cross my mind. It still does. I always thought I would heal the emptiness and that lack of love would be replaced somehow. Now that i'm 30 there's something I know. There's no such thing as enough love. There are different kinds of love and they are irreplaceable. Or you have it or you don't. And sometimes, only sometimes, there's just nothing you can do to get it. This is my Truth now and I'll stand for it.

When I was a child I missed your face, your hugs, your kisses and your tender voice telling me everything will be just fine.

When I was a teenager I missed your advice, your explanations, your understanding and your tender voice telling me everything will be just fine.

When I was in college I missed your pride. Oh, how I miss your pride... How I wanted you to see me conquering the world, afraid of nothing, believing in everything. And I missed finding my face in your face, my smile in your smile, and in those lost moments your voice telling me everything will be just fine.

Today I miss your face, your hugs, your kisses, your advice, your pride, your unconditional love in your smile towards me. And now, surprinsingly, a new fear comes along. What If i'll be with someone. Will I get married? Who will give me advice? Who will be there for me no matter what? And what if I have children? Who will teach me how to take care of them? Who will teach me how to be a mum? Who will help me raise them? And now I find myself like 25 years ago: afraid. The challenge changed, the fear is the same, And I don't want to be again on my own. I'm tired. And you know what else I miss? Your tender voice telling me everything will be just fine.

Every single day I miss the idea of you, and it hurts, and it's not ok. I'm not saying I'm not happy. I am. Please don't misunderstand me, my life is amazing, full of mistakes but amazing! And no, I'm not blaming you for my mistakes, how could I?! But there's one mistake that has something to do with you and it's the fact that i've never been completely true with anyone. Not with my father, not with my friends, not with the better halves that came along. That fear of someone feeling sorry for me kills me and burns in my veins. That is something I now know I must get over. I always thought that when someone worth it would come along I would be true. And guess what?  I've had people worthy of it around me my entire life. The problem is inside, It was all the time, But it's good that now I know it, as I also know it's never too late. You know something? Sometimes, on sunny days, when I'm filled with happiness, I look at myself in the mirror and I smile, and somewhere, between my freckles and my eyes I have a picture of you, and I pretend you are there, with your tender voice, whispering in my ear that everything is just fine.

And for you God, you owe me and you know it.