the chair of torture

Everyone knows that anything new I do here in Latvia turns into some kind of an excitement.

So this time when I went to the gynecologist it was no exception.

So there I am, lying down in what I call the "chair of torture" and the questions start:

Doc - Are you a homosexual? (!)

Me - Unfortunately not.

She looks at me as if I were a pink elephant. Looks again to the papers and continues...

Doc - So what's wrong with you?

Me - Hopefully nothing!

(this is getting better and better, I think)

Doc- So you are 30... any pregnancy or abortion? (I love when these two come together in the same sentence)

Me- No

Doc: Really?! (pink elephant face again)

Many awkward questions later while she is checking me she says: "I think everything is just fine. No need to come here."

So far, lesson nº 1: When in Latvia don’t go to the doctor if you are feeling fine. They don't like it.

So the check-up is finished, so let’s decide which blood tests I should do.

She says I don't need anything, that I look okay.

Lesson nº2: Don't use any kind of make-up, not even blush on your cheeks before you go to the doctor. They will immediately decide you are a colorful, healthy person.

Among the tests, I ask for the herpes one.

Doc- Why do you wanna know? Like, 70% of the population has it. (!!!)

Me- (really really scary face) Well, I don't, but it’s good to know that 70% of the population has genital herpes. I think I’m really lucky since I only had sex with people who belong to the lucky group of 30%.

I ask for tests on HIV.

Doc - Why? Did you have sex with a drug addict?

Me - Unfortunately not.

(Let me explain my answer, since weed is considered a heavy drug in Latvia, the so considered "normal" people don't use it. They prefer to drink liters of vodka a day which is much better. So the chances I can actually have sex with someone I could also share a joint with are pretty small).

Doc: If you are not homosexual, not a drug addict and didn’t have sex with a drug addict why do you want to make the test??

Me: Look, I'm going to take blood anyway, so let's just do it, like, why not?!

Doc: You know that in Latvia heterosexuals don’t have AIDS. Men here never make the test and women only do it when they are pregnant. It’s only in that situation that the Government supports the costs. If you check the statistics only drug addicts and homosexuals have it.

Me: Obviously, if the heteros don't test how could they show up in the statistics?!

Lesson nº 3: So, if you are not on drugs and you are not gay then you are clean.

I'm so much more relaxed right now.

Because of that and because I had a pen and I just put a cross myself in all the empty boxes for the tests.